What is the purpose of marriage counselling?

Different forms of counselling serve different purposes.

Traditional marriage counselling generally focuses on improving communication, identifying difficulties within the relationship and exploring whether the marriage can be strengthened.

Discernment counselling may be more appropriate where one or both spouses are uncertain about the future of the marriage. Its purpose is not necessarily to repair the marriage immediately, but to help the couple decide whether they wish to:

• • work towards reconciliation;
  • continue with the status quo for the time being; or
  • move towards separation or divorce.

Where reconciliation is no longer realistic, counselling may also help the parties process the end of the relationship and move towards a less acrimonious separation.

Before attending, it may be helpful to ask the counsellor what type of counselling is being offered and what the first session is intended to achieve.

Do I have to tell my spouse whether I want a divorce?

No. You do not have to make or announce a final decision during the counselling session.

If you remain uncertain—or if you have made a private decision but are not yet ready to communicate it. Instead, you may say:

“I am not comfortable answering that at this stage. I need more time to reflect and understand my options.”

You can participate in the session, listen to your spouse and the counsellor, and consider any proposed next steps without committing yourself to a particular outcome.

Do I have to disclose that I have consulted a divorce lawyer?

There is generally no obligation to disclose that you have obtained legal advice.

Whether you choose to do so is a personal and strategic decision. If you believe that your spouse may react negatively, become confrontational or take steps affecting the children or finances, it may be sensible to obtain advice before revealing that you have consulted a lawyer.

Seeking legal advice does not necessarily mean that you have decided to divorce. It may simply help you understand your options and make informed decisions.

Read more: What Should You Do Before Telling Your Spouse You Want a Divorce?

Can the counsellor advise us about our legal rights?

A marriage counsellor’s role is to facilitate communication and provide emotional or therapeutic support. The counsellor cannot advise either spouse about their legal rights.

During counselling, the discussion may nevertheless move beyond the relationship and touch on matters such as:

• separation or divorce;
• living arrangements;
• arrangements for the children;
• maintenance and household expenses;
• the matrimonial home and mortgage;
• bank accounts, investments and other assets; or
• the division of property.

These issues may have significant legal consequences. You should therefore avoid treating the counselling session as a forum for negotiating or finalising legal arrangements.

What should I do if my spouse proposes separation, financial or parenting terms?

You may listen and participate in the discussion, but you should generally avoid making firm commitments before understanding the legal and practical consequences.

If your spouse or the counsellor asks you to agree to a proposal, you can say:

“I would like some time to consider this and obtain advice before agreeing to anything.”

Asking for time does not mean that you are refusing to cooperate. It simply ensures that any eventual agreement is informed, carefully considered and workable.

Should I sign or confirm an agreement reached during counselling?

You should be cautious about signing any document or recording an “agreement” or “understanding” during the session.

You should also avoid sending a message afterwards confirming agreed terms before obtaining advice. Even an informal arrangement may later be relied upon as evidence of the parties’ intentions.

If you are asked to sign or confirm something, explain that you require time to consider it and obtain independent legal advice.

Should I bring documents or evidence to counselling?

If the purpose of the session is to explore whether the marriage can be repaired, there will ordinarily be no need to bring financial records or other documentary evidence.

Unless your lawyer advises otherwise, you should generally avoid bringing or circulating:

• bank and investment statements;
• property documents;
• payslips or employment records;
• photographs or recordings;
• private messages or emails;
• evidence of alleged misconduct; or
• documents prepared for possible legal proceedings.

Counselling is not a court hearing, evidence-gathering exercise or formal financial disclosure process.

There may be exceptional situations where a document could help the parties understand a particular issue. Before producing it, however, consider whether it will genuinely assist the counselling process or merely cause the session to become accusatory or adversarial.

What if my spouse asks me to disclose financial information?

You do not have to respond immediately.

If your spouse requests financial information or a list of documents, you can explain that you need time to consider the request and obtain legal advice.

Financial disclosure may eventually be appropriate if the parties decide to negotiate separation or divorce terms.

However, it is usually preferable for that process to be structured so that both spouses understand what information must be exchanged and how it may be used.

What records should I preserve if separation is a possibility?

Avoiding disclosure during counselling does not mean that important records should be ignored.

If separation is a realistic possibility, it may be prudent to preserve documents to which you already have lawful access, including records relating to:

• each spouse’s income and employment benefits;
• bank accounts and investments;
• shares, bonuses and deferred compensation;
• local and overseas properties;
• mortgages, loans and other liabilities;
• household and children’s expenses;
• the children’s educational and medical needs; and
• your involvement in the children’s daily care.

It may also be helpful to maintain a contemporaneous record of caregiving responsibilities, including school arrangements, medical appointments, enrichment activities and the time each parent spends caring for the children.

Are there records that I should not access or copy?

You should not unlawfully access password-protected accounts, impersonate your spouse, remove original documents needed by another person or circulate private information unnecessarily.

The legality and usefulness of a record may depend on how it was obtained and the circumstances in which it may be used. If you are uncertain, seek legal advice before accessing, copying, circulating or relying on the material.

Should I speak to a divorce lawyer before attending counselling?

Not everyone requires a detailed legal consultation before a first marriage counselling session.

If the session is genuinely exploratory and no legal or financial decisions will be made, it may be sufficient to attend, listen and avoid committing to any proposal.

Nevertheless, early legal advice may be useful where:

• you are already considering separation or divorce;
• you are concerned about your spouse’s reaction;
• significant or complex assets are involved;
• there are overseas properties or investments;
• you have limited knowledge of the family finances;
• you are financially dependent on your spouse;
• arrangements for the children may become contentious;
• there are concerns about family violence, harassment or coercive behaviour; or
• you may be asked to sign or agree to something.

A consultation does not commit you to commencing divorce proceedings. It can simply help you understand your options, identify potential risks and attend counselling with clearer boundaries.

What if I feel unsafe attending counselling a joint session?

If you are concerned about your physical or emotional safety, tell the counsellor before the session. You should also inform your family lawyer if you have one.

A joint session may not be appropriate where there has been family violence, harassment, intimidation or coercive and controlling behaviour. Depending on the circumstances, separate sessions, additional safeguards or a different form of professional support may be required.

If there is an immediate risk of harm, your safety should take priority over attending counselling.

How should I prepare for the session?

Before attending marriage counselling, you may wish to:

• Ask what type of counselling is being conducted and what the first session will cover.
• Decide what you are presently comfortable discussing or disclosing.
• Remember that you do not have to announce a final decision about the marriage.
• Avoid agreeing to legal, financial or parenting terms during the session.
• Avoid signing or confirming an agreement without time to consider it.
• Preserve relevant records securely, without accessing information unlawfully.
• Seek advice if your spouse proposes separation terms or requests financial documents.
• Inform the counsellor and your lawyer beforehand if you feel unsafe attending a joint session.